The Discomfort of Setting Boundaries Around Your New Baby — And Why You Shouldn’t Ignore It
- Jessica LaJoie
- Oct 23
- 4 min read
By Jessica LaJoie, LSWAIC – Grind to Growth Therapy | Healing in Motion
Bringing a new baby into the world is one of the most beautiful and vulnerable transitions a person can experience. Along with the joy and love comes something few people talk about: the discomfort of setting boundaries.
Whether it’s telling your mother-in-law you don’t want visitors yet, asking a friend not to kiss your newborn, or telling your partner you need time to rest instead of hosting guests—setting boundaries as a new mom can feel unnatural, even guilt-inducing.
But here’s the truth: your discomfort doesn’t mean your boundaries are wrong. It means you’re growing into your new role and learning how to protect what matters most.
Why Boundaries Feel So Uncomfortable for New Moms
Many new mothers struggle with boundaries because they’ve been conditioned to prioritize everyone else’s comfort over their own. After birth, that mindset often intensifies:
- Society glorifies self-sacrifice in motherhood, praising moms who "do it all."
- Cultural and family expectations can make you feel ungrateful or "too sensitive" when you ask for space.
- Hormonal changes and exhaustion heighten guilt and anxiety, making assertiveness feel risky or mean.
- Attachment and vulnerability create fear of conflict when you’re already emotionally raw.
So when you say, "Please don’t drop by without asking first," your body might respond with tension, guilt, or even panic. It’s not because you’re doing something wrong—it’s because you’re overriding years of conditioning that told you your needs come last.
Why Boundaries Are Essential (Not Selfish)
Boundaries are an act of love, not rejection. They protect your healing, your baby’s wellbeing, and your family’s adjustment to its new rhythm. When you set boundaries early, you’re teaching others how to support you in ways that are actually helpful.
Healthy boundaries can:
- Reduce overstimulation and stress, promoting better postpartum recovery
- Protect your mental health by preventing burnout and resentment
- Model emotional intelligence and self-respect for your child
- Strengthen relationships by creating clarity and realistic expectations
You’re not saying "no" to people—you’re saying "yes" to your peace, healing, and connection with your baby.
Common Boundary Struggles for New Moms
1. Visitors too soon: "We’re resting and bonding right now; we’ll let you know when we’re ready for visitors."
2. Unwanted advice: "Thanks for caring so much—we’re following our doctor’s guidance right now."
3. Physical touch with the baby: "We’re limiting how many people hold or kiss the baby right now to reduce illness risk."
4. Feeding boundaries: "Breastfeeding is going well but takes focus—let’s chat after I’m done so I can stay relaxed."
5. Partner or family pressure: "We both need space to adjust to this new routine. I’m asking for your help in protecting that time."
Each of these boundaries might trigger discomfort—but each is a small act of empowerment that strengthens your ability to self-advocate.
How to Feel More Comfortable Setting Boundaries
1. Name the emotion, not just the situation.
Instead of saying "I feel bad," try identifying what’s underneath. Is it guilt? Fear of judgment? Shame? Awareness helps separate your values from your conditioning.
2. Challenge the negative emotion.
Ask yourself: Who says I need to feel ashamed? Why do I believe my boundaries are less important than someone else’s? Do I actually agree with this feeling?
Challenging your emotional responses helps you recognize when guilt or shame is inherited—not earned—and allows you to replace self-blame with self-respect.
3. Rehearse your boundaries out loud.
Practice saying them in front of a mirror or to your partner. The more familiar they sound, the less awkward they’ll feel when it’s time to say them in real life.
4. Use "I" statements to stay grounded.
"I need," "I feel," and "I’m not ready yet" are powerful ways to express needs without blaming or defending.
5. Remember that temporary boundaries are still valid.
You can adjust them later—but for now, it’s okay to prioritize quiet, rest, and closeness.
6. Seek support from people who get it.
Postpartum therapists, support groups, or other moms can normalize your feelings and help you hold your boundaries with compassion instead of guilt.
The Reframe: Discomfort Means Growth
You don’t have to feel confident to set boundaries. Confidence comes after—once you see how much peace and safety they create.
Each time you honor your needs, you’re teaching your nervous system that it’s safe to take up space, safe to say no, and safe to rest. You’re not just healing your own patterns—you’re modeling emotional balance for your child.
Motherhood doesn’t require you to be selfless. It invites you to be self-aware. And that awareness is the foundation of every healthy relationship—starting with the one you have with yourself.
If You’re Struggling to Set Boundaries
You’re not alone. Many of the mothers I work with come to therapy feeling torn between wanting connection and needing protection. Together, we work to build confidence, reduce guilt, and create boundaries that feel authentic—not forced.
If you’re ready to feel more grounded, clear, and at peace in your new role, I’d be honored to support you.
Virtual therapy for moms in Washington
Grind to Growth Therapy – Healing in Motion
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